Determination
So everything has not been solved since yesterday, when I had to remind myself to breath so as not to be frantic, but a few developments have occurred which are making it a little easier to sit back, relax, and smile. What's been freaking me out is the commitment I made to a Caltech professor to help him do a project in conjunction with my school - it involves doing a survey of all the students and then following up with an experiment of sorts with the 5th and 6th grade (nothing sciency and alarming, but rather questions based on their answers to the survey). Well, the survey asks about friendship networks, which to my mind is a little awkward (list up to eight of your friends) - what if they don't have eight friends to list? What if girls list others as their friends, and are not listed in return? Touchy, but hey, it's for the sake of science.
Anyways, I wasn't receiving any help in organizing this at Westridge. My job is to talk to the administrators, get the survey okayed, talk to teachers and find out when is best to give the survey, and then talk to my own teachers so that I can work out with them when I need to leave class to administer the survey. When talking to Dr. Goeree at Caltech, it seems easy. When alone and unaided at Westridge and faced with a slew of teachers who probably don't want to lose a lot of lesson time this close to the end of the year, as well as administrators who have bigger things to think about than a pesky little survey, it seems pretty daunting.
All week I've been feeling as though nothing will come of this, that my attempts to communicate with teachers and find out who is willing to give up lesson time, and whether the administrators will okay the survey, is all quite futile. I feel like I've been beating my head against a brick wall, simply because I don't know who to talk to, and I don't feel comfortable asking teachers for class time. And, well, no one's really making it easy. I'd really like someone to just tell me what to do and whom to talk to, but I guess that kind of defeats the purpose of getting older, and doing more independent work. I've committed to a tough project, which involves talking to a lot of administrators, being a diplomat of sorts between Caltech and my school. And that puts me way out of my element, which is actually something pretty valuable in the end, I suppose. I'd really rather just do research on mold spores, research which doesn't involve email after email after email trying to arrange and plan and organize. But here I am doing just that, and now that things are finally beginning to fall together (just beginning, knock on wood - I don't want to jinx it, since it's only just starting to look up!), it feel amazing. As it's not something I feel comfortable with, that I will have done it will be that much more exciting.
I've got the lower school surveys okayed, and am starting with them on Monday; I still have to work out the middle school surveys, which are slightly less important; and then, least important, the high school surveys. And so far I'm on schedule - I told Dr. Goeree at Caltech that I would try and start surveying next Monday, crossing my fingers behind my back. After all, that was pretty immediate for such late notice, and I wasn't sure if the administration would support me. I really expected to have to email him and tell him that I couldn't start for another week or so more. But lo and behold, gradually it's coming together. I have not let down Dr. Goeree, and I'm even happier about that than that it's working out - I feel proud that I haven't messed up, and that I'm holding my end opposite a Caltech professor.
This ant picture is from the space gel ant farm I got my mom for Christmas. It's pretty chill. When scientists sent ants up in space, they discovered that dirt just floated around and was no use for the ants, so they developed a clear blue-ish gel that serves as food, water and dirt for the ants, and does not float. I attached the picture to this post because those little gals are just so determined, so focused - they are distracted by nothing, even though their lives seem so pointless. I have a lot of admiration for them, and the steadfast way in which they tunnel deeper and deeper into the space gel, building a tiny, queenless colony. So, when I begin to feel overwhelmed, I suppose I can remind myself of these gals. No matter if anyone make it hard for me to do this survey, or if it's difficult to coordinate with all the teachers, I'll just plow on. After all, these ants do too, and in a significantly less exciting environment.
Labels: Westridge
Photo shoot of my cat
Because I spend way too much time taking pictures of her, instead of doing constructive things like getting scholarships and doing my homework...
Labels: my kitty
Familiar scents
I helped my friend develop a roll of film today after school. Well, I more of stood around and made wisecracks while being more or less unhelpful, but at least I was there for moral support and such. She's doing something photography-related for her senior project, which I'm now rather jealous of - I'm going to shadow a doctor, which at the moment seems a very scary and unfamiliar project. But anyway, coming home I smelled my hands and discovered the scent of the chemicals still clinging onto them. Inexplicably, one of my favorite scents has always been the smell of developer, which smells like the musty, heavy scent of bacon - it brings back all the summers I spent doing photography next to the woodworking shop at Poly, and then at Westridge... it's one of those scents that I can breathe really deeply to!
In other news, AAAH! When I forget to put everything into perspective, I suddenly feel as though the entire universe is pitted against me, and that it's mostly concentrated in the current and following week. Then I have something to eat, take a couple deep breaths, remind myself that it's okay if things don't work out, that all I have are a few assignments which can each easily be done; it's okay if I make mistakes and if not everything I do is perfect. And once I do that, once I remind myself to enjoy instead of stress, I feel better about this week. I've foolishly committed to a few things, which I didn't realize would require so much work as they do, but it's not the end of the world. Everything's cool.
And even better with the sense of calm I always get from the darkroom :)
Labels: Westridge
The right to debate
It's a sad democracy when we can't even debate a highly contested war in the Senate. Though a majority of the Senate is in favor of debating the war, they are four votes short of 60 (it's 56 for and 34 against), and can't debate something that is relevant to our lives. Obviously the 60-majority rule is so that the Senate won't debate stupid things like how to redesign the lawn at Camp David, but there is something wrong with it if it also precludes the discussion of a monumentally important topic such as the war, which does affect everyone in the country. It isn't appropriate to
not discuss something of national relevance! The argument the Republicans are making is hardly valid - they say that it hinders the president's agenda in Iraq to stop and debate the war, but if the majority of the American people does not support the war then why should we bow down to the president's agenda? If the point of patriotism is to not
get in the way of the president's agenda, then how is that not leaning toward dictatorship? The definition of democracy is rule by the people, and when the people don't even have the right to stand up and dissent, then that is not a real democracy.
And the growing hype surrounding Iran disgusts me. We have no excuse to fight with or invade Iran, but I'm scared that that is next on Mr. Bush's agenda. This reminds me of the gradual frenzy surrounding Iraq four years ago, as "evidence" slowly began to come to light to implicate them as accessories to terrorism (because all terrorism ever has originated from Iraq), and despite the lack of facts or proof, the American people got so caught up in the scare that they immediately supported a war. I'm worried that that could happen again with Iran, but incredulous that the administration would even try it again. I hope they don't.
Labels: politics
Because it was rainy
Ack! Another parking ticket. My mom said comfortingly, "There's something awful about parking tickets, that really hurts even when you know it's not that big a deal." It's kind of true, I've got to say. I was in a pretty good mood especially considering I hadn't eaten much all day and had worked three hours at the cafe all alone (without prior warning from my boss, I might add!), and was headed home to finish a long essay; and there on the windshield, tucked nicely under the wiper, was a parking ticket. I muttered a few expletives under my breath, nonchalantly snatched the ticket off my windshield, and huffily got into my car, where all at once I wanted to cry. I was in the wrong; I had only filled the meter for two hours and forty five minutes even though I knew I would be at work for three and a half hours; and I knew my blood sugar was low and this certainly wasn't the end of the world. But it felt awful! It felt like a pointed attack on me after a long day, and however I reminded myself that that wasn't true, it still felt vicious.
I've eaten now, and have a mug of hot chocolate, and have made relatively good progress on my paper (which means that I now have to procrastinate and blog and such until it's late enough for me to be spurred to start working again), and I feel significantly better about the parking ticket. It isn't the end of the world. I was overly dramatic, and tired. Last time I got a parking ticket was because of my own stupidity - I simply forgot about the meter. But this time it was merely bad luck, and that actually feels more bearable - what happened was, I could only put in up to two hours of coins at a time, so I went out twice to the meter to fill it; then I was left alone at the cafe and couldn't leave again to put more coins in the meter, and I hoped that it would go unnoticed in the dark.
Of course, that only worked in the dead of winter, when it was dark by six. Now it is still light enough to see a blinking meter. Let this be a lesson to me in the future. And now.... back to work.
Mathematics, Art Shows and Such
Happy February!
I started off my celebration of the month with a Thursday. It was pretty chill.
Today I met with Caltech game theorist Jacob Goeree to discuss a project that he conducted last year and wants to conduct again: at Westridge he diagrammed the social networks of the fifth and sixth grades, and then presented them with questions based on those networks. For example, he would ask a student, if given $6, how she would split it between herself and a friend; between herself and a friend of a friend; and between herself and a person whom she didn't consider a friend.
Then the girls actually get paid the amount that they were willing to share times two, or something like that, so they end up profiting from their generosity. Sweet mind game.
Anyways, I'm pretty psyched because I'm back on the Caltech campus after years, and doing something fascinating in the same area of study that my dad was in; and in fact Jacob Goeree met my father and me, while on sabbatical to Caltech about ten years ago! He works at Caltech permanently now, but at the time he was visiting from the Netherlands, I believe, and he came over to our house one night for dinner. He said he remembers three things: first, that my dad gave him the wrong address, so he couldn't find our house for ages; second, our sweet solar cooker; and third, our weather station. What can I say, my parents are geeks.
Aaand, I returned to Altadena to go to the local art show with Elise, and had an absolutely splendid time. There were two memorable parts to the evening, one bad, one good. The first is that I saw someone whom I'd previously met and liked a great deal - not at the art show - but rather at work. This is the third time I've sort of randomly run into him, and it's getting kind of uncomfortable. The first time I met him I liked him a lot; the second time I started to think that there must be some amount of serendipity on the air, because I hadn't expected ever to run into him again. And after that I kept expecting to randomly run into him somewhere, but since I never did, I certainly didn't expect to find him up in Altadena at the Gallery at the End of the World. It was something of a shock, and I spent quite a bit of time hiding from him, which I don't think I've actually done since the middle school dances...
But as for the fun part, Elise and I rather out of the blue met a wonderful batch of people. All smokers and drinkers, alas (we politely refrained), but brilliant and thoughtful and motivating. Our conversation quickly moved to politics, and it was one of those satisfying political conversations where everyone has really interesting and varied things to say, but nothing that you strongly disagree with. I'm guessing there were few conservatives at the art gallery. It strikes me as that kind of place that attracts mostly liberals. But unfortunately being liberal and artsy also seems to entail smoking, and so now, even though I've never touched a cigarette, I smell ridiculously like smoke. Good thing my mom didn't stand by to smell me when I came in the door...
